Day two of a migraine.
When these headaches get this long and drawn out, sometimes going for nearly a week, I feel like life is being stolen away. It hurts to do anything. Even sleeping is a challenge.
After a couple of days I start to wonder, “What if it never goes away?”
Right now, even after just twenty or so hours of cranial pain, I’m hearing Crosby, Stills and Nash singing, “It’s getting to the point where I’m no fun anymore!”
At least my misery is accompanied by great harmony.
But I am not writing this morning to gripe about my migraine. I suspect at some point today, I will suddenly notice it has lost interest and wandered away to pick on someone else.
This, too, shall pass.
Yep. This is temporary. It is just one of those things that tries to convince me it is worse than it really is.
I can remember days thinking I had a brain tumor and was going to go belly up at any second.
My best friend died from a brain tumor. It gave me a new perspective on migraines. I can do a migraine.
Oh sure, I may do it like a little boy takes his medicine but I can do it.
In fact, even though I was no fun yesterday, I managed to do a few things I couldn’t get out of doing. It’s amazing how that happens.
I think it is the same way with my depression. I don’t know if you folks can tell but it has been worse lately. I really don’t want to admit to that. I’ve been struggling to keep the news from myself.
Maybe I told myself that news and it gave me this migraine. Who knows?
Whatever the trigger for my problem is, I ‘m going to see a doctor today.
Wellll, a dentist actually.
My depression will be better in no time.
Don’t think so?
Shucks. I thought I had it covered. OK, at some point this morning I will contact the right person for the job.
The good news is that I know a lot of the right things to do when my depression gets like this. I don’t feel like doing any of them but I do know what they are.
One of them is to talk to the doctor. I never want to talk to the doctor but doing it usually makes me feel better.
One of the things we need to remember as people with mental illness is that when the sickness starts getting worse, it takes away our desire to do things that help us.
Another thing I need to do is to keep writing. Sitting here pecking away at this keyboard seems to put everything in some kind of proper order I can deal with. It kind of focuses those irrational thoughts that are flying every which direction into something I can actually work with.
I’ll also be reading some Psalms. David was great at writing about his pain and working his way around to his healing. It seems to really strike a chord with me.
Prayer. I’m going to make extra efforts to pray. For me, prayer has to extend beyond just jabbering all my complaints to God requesting relief, healing and strength.
It requires me to shut up and listen. Stop everything and sit and listen. It’s amazing how that makes prayer so much more productive, not that production is the primary goal of prayer but, to be honest, I hate doing things that don’t actually make a difference.
Last of all, I’m going to get with friends that are like me. When I get together with thirty or forty people that struggle just like I do, there is some kind of contagious hope that spreads around the room when even one person shares a victory of any kind.
You know, there are a lot of people out there that are going to do other things with their pain today. They are going to apply a generous portion of pain killers or alcohol or just stay in the house and not let another soul know they are hurting.
Maybe they will eat everything in the fridge or take it all out on someone that can’t fight back.
Maybe they will hide in a fantasy world of pornography and sex.
Whatever it is, in the end, it just masks the problem while it grows and grows secretly consuming the soul.
So, I guess whatever I do today, I need to be sure to keep the costume off of my real problem and face it head on and take it with me to all the places that healing comes. I can’t go back to letting it take me to those places that distract me and make me believe it will all get better if I can’t see it growing.
I don’t know if any of this makes sense to anyone. I am just typing. I’m making a plan that will lead me to somewhere better and marking out the places I should NOT go. I’m setting up safe boundaries and getting ready to walk even if I feel like stopping.
These days used to defeat me before they even started. Today, I know that it is going to take more than one bad day to set me back and every new day the clock starts all over again.
Rejoice, rejoice, we have no choice
But to carry on. Graham Nash and David Crosby