I’ve gotten up out of bed this morning, that is a good thing, and gotten ready for work, also a good thing in that I wish to remain employed until I decide to retire, and am now sitting looking out the window at a world hovering between light and darkness.

I’m brought back to days in the past when this was one of my toughest moments of the day, the moments when I choose to go out into the world and face it or retreat into myself.  Most days I did both.

I can’t tell you what I was like then.  I only know what I thought I was like and that is so far from reality that I’m at a loss at to what reality was then.

I do know I was scared.  I was so scared that I did things that made no sense like a rabbit that see headlights at night and runs right into the oncoming car.

I kept being run down by each new day that I got to the point that I didn’t care if there was a new day.

Psalm 3:3 But you, O Lord, are a shield around me;
you are my glory, the one who holds my head high.
4 I cried out to the Lord,
and he answered me from his holy mountain.

During those times, I cried out to lots of things.  I cried out to anger, I cried out to my addictions, I cried out to my lust, I cried out to my hate and they all just engulfed me and dragged me out deeper into my depression and into insanity.

Finally, after all hope was shredded and washed away on my sea of pain, I cried out to God.

I have no more strength today than I did on those days that I trembled in fear before walking out that door.  But I am empowered by God.

Now, I know that whatever I need will be given to me.  Even if what I am given looks to me to be different than what I had in mind, I know I will have plenty of it when the time comes.

The sun is beginning to cast some reflections of color on the houses across the lake now.  I’ll be facing the day and all that comes with a new dawn.  It may not be easy and there may still be pain and trouble but I have his shield around me and his hand to hold my head high.  He hears me and answers my cries and I’m no longer afraid to open that door and greet this day.

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2 thoughts on “Opening the Door

  1. When I look into the faces of these young people (most of them turned one year old very recently) I see them eager to face the day. They call out from their cribs to me: “Pops! I am awake now! I want a diaper change. I want something to eat. I want to play and to laugh and play some more….” And so I get out of bed and begin the day with them.

    And I reflect on matters. I think on things. I consider my own entry into this world. I was planned and desired. Even in the 60’s, though Mom and Dad could not know if I would be a boy or a girl until birthday, they made all the other arrangements they could, and soon after, the sheets, blankets, and drapes were blue.

    They didn’t have much money, but Grandma and Mamma were both either nearby or only a phone call away. I was caught. Caught in a network of love.

    I moved from a womb with all it’s warm comforts and safety to the bright lights of a delivery room in a naval hospital quickly. My arrival, according to my parents “changed everything!” And EVERYTHING CHANGED FOR ME too, but I had no language for it – yet.

    I love these people in my house now. And there is the added complexities that they are foster children. They have parents that either cannot or will not CATCH them in a network of love. Somehow in God’s wisdom, they wound up caught in mine. But here they are loved to the full.

    AND

    Here they live. Truly live. LIFE.

    Life has dawned a new day here. We all have bumps, scrapes, pains, and adventures going on here. We all have joys, delights, fears, and comforts. I have one who is dimly aware that the edge of the bed is a cliff to fall from. This one is very cautious there now.

    I think about that. This child FEARS the edge of the bed. This is one of the big fears in this child’s life. This child with drug addicted parents knows nothing of real things to fear, but fears falling off the bed. Hmm… My perspective opens new worlds for me that it will take 40 or 50 years for this one to find.

    Life.

    It is awesome and powerful. A fearful thing. But we have a living God who is more awesome and powerful and to be feared. And he LOVES us.

    Liked by 1 person

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