I’ve gotten up out of bed this morning, that is a good thing, and gotten ready for work, also a good thing in that I wish to remain employed until I decide to retire, and am now sitting looking out the window at a world hovering between light and darkness.
I’m brought back to days in the past when this was one of my toughest moments of the day, the moments when I choose to go out into the world and face it or retreat into myself. Most days I did both.
I can’t tell you what I was like then. I only know what I thought I was like and that is so far from reality that I’m at a loss at to what reality was then.
I do know I was scared. I was so scared that I did things that made no sense like a rabbit that see headlights at night and runs right into the oncoming car.
I kept being run down by each new day that I got to the point that I didn’t care if there was a new day.
Psalm 3:3 But you, O Lord, are a shield around me;
you are my glory, the one who holds my head high.
4 I cried out to the Lord,
and he answered me from his holy mountain.
During those times, I cried out to lots of things. I cried out to anger, I cried out to my addictions, I cried out to my lust, I cried out to my hate and they all just engulfed me and dragged me out deeper into my depression and into insanity.
Finally, after all hope was shredded and washed away on my sea of pain, I cried out to God.
I have no more strength today than I did on those days that I trembled in fear before walking out that door. But I am empowered by God.
Now, I know that whatever I need will be given to me. Even if what I am given looks to me to be different than what I had in mind, I know I will have plenty of it when the time comes.
The sun is beginning to cast some reflections of color on the houses across the lake now. I’ll be facing the day and all that comes with a new dawn. It may not be easy and there may still be pain and trouble but I have his shield around me and his hand to hold my head high. He hears me and answers my cries and I’m no longer afraid to open that door and greet this day.