Writing anything today is tough. Today is one of those days that I write not of success but of failure.
I’d like to be one of those people who can sit here in my chair and tell you all about how it is done, how to be awesome, how to be great, how to be perfect like me. But the truth is that I don’t know how to be all those things even part of the time. I only know how to be me and at times I do a pretty bad job of even doing that.
I have to be honest here, over the weekend I crumbled emotionally. Now, when I collapse it is an ugly thing that I am ashamed of. All sorts of words come out and nothing seems to come in. I lose all of my reception of reality and force my views of irrational fear on everyone else.
Saturday evening, I was living in the rubble of a lot of emotional refuse and aftermath of my lack of self-control.
I wanted very much to just give up. I thought I was doing so well and then I just felt like it was all for nothing.
1 Corinthians 10:12 If you think you are standing strong, be careful not to fall.
I hear the words of that scripture a lot, more than most people. It is one of the main scriptures in Celebrate Recovery, a support group I am a part of. I hear the words but I guess I still don’t listen enough. When I think I am doing well, standing strong, I lose sight of the importance of God being the center of my strength.
So I lay in my mess for a while. I kicked myself good and hard and it hurt and I felt like I deserved the hurt. I thought I might just keep kicking myself for a while.
James 4:10 Humble yourselves before the Lord, and he will lift you up in honor.
I’ve not been made perfect over these last few years but I have learned a thing or two. Laying in the mess kicking myself is not what God asks me to do. It is not where I can learn and overcome. It is not where I need to remain. I need to stop bowing before the disasters I create and turn and bow before the Lord God Almighty.
He will lift me up. He has lifted me up and will do so every time I humble myself before him and he will turn my disgrace to honor, my shame to joy and my brokenness into eternal life.
There may still be some sorrow in my eyes today, some pain and some regret but God will lift me up anyway. Though my heart is broken, he is close by my side.