Wavering, wishy-washy, non-committal and confused.
That was me. Many times, more than I would like to admit, I still am. Wavering because I want to keep one foot where I was, too fearful to move into something better. Confused because I refuse to admit that my wishy-washy lack of commitment to leave a place that makes me miserable.
I have spent a lot of time blaming God for not working things out in my life when I refuse to leave the things that need to be left behind.
1 Kings 18:21 Then Elijah stood in front of them and said, “How much longer will you waver, hobbling between two opinions? If the lord is God, follow him! But if Baal is God, then follow him!” But the people were completely silent.
I can see now, once I have stepped out of my denial, that my role in my failures is much greater than I originally estimated. Acknowledging that I am not capable to control everything in life needs to be followed by trying to stop controlling everything in life.
I need to go all-in, either to decide God is God and worthy of my faith in him or he isn’t.
It isn’t as if God’s role in my life has been one of an invisible, undetectable presence that never touches me. He is hands-on. He brought me from ruin to a good place. He transformed me from wreckage to beauty.
But still, sometimes I waver.
If I truly want to witness more of what God can do, I have to step out from the things pulling me away from him and then pick that other foot up and move toward him. I need to make a beeline in his direction.
To stop wavering is a process. I don’t have an off/on switch for my wavering. I work with God on building my faith and my wavering diminishes.
I can look around me and see people all the time that are stuck in wavering mode. They can’t pull the trigger on leaving a bad situation, bad habit, bad people or whatever is dragging their life back into darkness away from the light. They, like me, need to take a step. Rather than sticking one foot in the right direction and testing the waters and waiting, one foot must follow the other, leaving some things behind.
The words of Elijah speak to me and ask how long will I waver and be hobbled? Today is a good day to leave something behind and weaken my tendency to dance from one foot to the other, pretending to be going somewhere.